These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

"... When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad"



Ok, so no, the two things I'm about to mention are definitely NOT my favorite things! The first would be getting CUT from auditions, and the second would be dental work. Lucky me, I've had both done to me in the last two days! YAY for me (fuck my life)!


I’m immersed in travel plans right now, and stop one was to Dallas. I masked going to the So You Think You Can Dance audition with a stop home. I told a few friends that I was coming out for the audition, but everyone else assumed I was visiting my family, because if you've met my mother you know how much she thrives on her kids being in her house (or at least under the same roof!). Anyways, I got cut in NYC, and thought I could redeem myself and maybe have a better chance of standing out in Dallas. Well, things didn't really go well for me. I spent the morning jumping around in front of cameras, running up and down steps, talking to producers like I was hot shit and mentoring fresh faced 18 year olds on what to expect once getting inside. Once I got in front of the producers I did was I always do while improving for them... I forgot how to dance! I CAN dance, I AM a good dancer, yet once whatever song they choose to play is on, I freak out, and result to what... CARTWHEELS! This time it was just a half a cartwheel, but still...WHAT! Either he felt pity on me, or expected better, but he asked me to stick around to dance again.

Sticking around was the last thing I wanted! I wanted a ticket or to get cut right away!  I mean, it's great to have a second chance, but there is just so much pressure, and while I used to work well under it, now I freeze! I wanted to be on this damn show so bad, especially considering all those little girls standing around me in line got through! So needless to say, I got in the room for a second time (4th this season), and did what I always do- I got cut! I went for it, just not well enough apparently! I mean, the girls that got kept were jumping around the floor with bent knees and sickled feet and horrible port de bras... but I GOT CUT! But you know what? It's ok! I wasn’t meant to be on that show. They would be lucky to have me on that show, because I AM AN ARTIST! I am not a puppet. I am not a 12 year old whacking her leg! I am a DANCER, and I'm moving on. If no one is going to hire me, I'm going to hire myself!


Now on to the second thing I love so much! Every time I am in Dallas I spend time in the Dentist's office. It's getting old! Last time I was in town I had three cavities filled, was told I needed gum surgery and had to look at veneer implants. Today, I had my last two wisdom teeth taken out. I'm doing fine now, just a couple hours of bleeding and numbness! But seriously! COME ON! I’m over it! I'm too poor for this shit and I can't expect for my parents to pay for it! Though I blame these issues on them, I mean God love him, but my father doesn't have the prettiest teeth, and my mom gave me too much fluoride as a kid, so there's blame there too!


In a nutshell that was my trip to Dallas.  I spent day one crying over getting cut and day two eating copious amounts of ice cream due to minimal mouth function! I'm unemployed, toothless and fat!  If I keep this up maybe I can be on The Biggest Loser!

Thank You Twyla!

If you have ever read more than one of my posts you will have most likely come across my tendency to vent about my failed auditions, lack of motivation and desperation to find something other than bartending to pay my bills. Well, my game face is now on and it's all thanks to the fabulous Twyla Tharp. Not only is my blog heading inspired by one of her quotes, my new found motivation is as well.



I was so lucky to have a friend invite me to a show of Come Fly Away, the new Twyla Tharp dance musical set to the music of Frank Sinatra. It was a beautiful display of amazing dancers, but in case you are wondering... it was no Movin' Out. I won't nit-pick the show apart just yet; I'll wait till it's done with previews after which I will hope to see that some serious changes have been made!

Anyways, while I was listening to the music of one of my all time favorite artists I watched some of the most talented artists in the business glide across the Marriott Marquis stage. THAT is what I want to do! THAT is who I want to work with and who I want to work for. It's been four years since I graduated from Point Park, so I'm slightly out of shape when it comes to the world of concert dance. I've been living in NYC and have become accustomed to the 'jazz square, kick ball change' combinations you are privy to at musical calls! It's a rare occasion that you get the chance to DANCE, aside from taking class that is, and we all know that costs money!


The beauty of the movement was not in the steps themselves, it was in the maturity and ease in which the dancers carried themselves across the floor. The cast is full of veteran dancers including John Selya (whom I LOVE) and Karine Plantadit (who is crazy but fabulous). The beauty in watching them is not only in their absolute perfection, which is slightly nauseating, but in the development of each movement. Their bodies are in complete and utter control of every step, turn, jump and lean. Their muscles work like finely tuned instruments. Their package is of sheer brilliance! And I want to be them!


In the beauty of story telling and performance you have to look no further than Charlie Neshyba-Hodges and Laura Mead. They are pint size energetic powerhouses who not only are the best actors but the cutest damn onstage couple! But I must also give a shout out to Miss. Heather Hamilton. I have never met Heather before, only danced with her at a ton of auditions in the city. I recognized her face but then instantly remembered who she was from her unique and intricate tattoos (they are not that big, I jsut have a very distinct eye for details). Heather was a member of the ensemble who took my breath away. Not only was she incredibly technical and beautiful, she was captivating in her performance and inspiring to me in my 'Get It Together' plan! Not only did I think she was the most interesting to watch in the ensemble, but she was better than some of the leading women. Confident, strong and graceful only begin to describe this fabulous dancer who left me in awe!


So... Thank you Twyla for this show. Thank you for these dancers. Thank you for the music.  Thank you for your talent.  Thank you for reminding me why I am a dancer.  It's game time!

Suck Day!

This is totally against what I gave up for lent, which was to not have any negative/destructive thoughts about myself, but today- I really SUCKED. I'd rather be a sinner than a liar, let's face it, I'm not a very good catholic...but the party in Hell will be huge! Anyways, back on topic! I took a dance class that I have not been to in about a year, and I just plain sucked! Normally I would blame it on the combo (which was slightly awkward), but that does not excuse the fact that I sucked.


When I was in school and taking 3-5 dance classes a day, you couldn't pay me to miss a class. I think I skipped two in 3 years and had extreme guilt the whole time. I was at all of my classes, and often took ones I wasn't even registered for! I was on time, dressed (sometimes sloppily) and ready to go. I'm not a saint, I of course had off days, or bad mental days, but I was still there and pushed through my issues. Now, I live in NYC, a Mecca for dance and theatre and I chose to not go to a class more often than not. But to top it off, when I'm in class I have a hard time being present. I either am busy thinking about the other things I need to be doing, or I'm beating myself up for everything under the sun. And I seriously mean everything: my pale face, my chubby legs, my bruised arms, my boxy body, my poorly styled hair, my lack of focus, my bad attitude, my ugly shirt, the camel toe my shorts are giving me, my horrible balance, my ripping feet.

My sense of perfection has not changed. I always expect the best from myself, but it's at such an extreme that I've lost my ability to breathe! I get so nervous that I'm going to suck and fail that I'm having a hard time enjoying what I'm doing. I don't have a problem being challenged or stepping out of my comfort zone, but I just don't want to suck! I am aware that this feeling of struggle and inadequacy is bound to happen from time to time, so I should stop bitching, but lately I can't help but let it get to me. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, and not in any one direction, just around in circles that will eventually get swallowed by a black hole.


When you’re 'to do' list is a mile long, where do you start? I've never been afraid of success, I thrive on it, and I live for it! I love being good at things whether it's dancing, cooking, writing or drinking- I want to to be the best! I love the sense of accomplishment and elation that you get from a job well done.


What I don't like, is failing. I've always put a huge amount of pressure on myself to do well. As much as this pressure is for me, I strive for greatness because I want those who are important to me to be proud of me. I want my dad to know his money for lessons, costumes, school and trips went to good use. I want my mom to know that her hours spent driving to competitions, rhinestoning costumes and selling flowers were all appreciated. I want my brothers to know that their support at every competition and recital was important to me, even if they spent the whole time playing football in a back hall. And most of all I'd hate to think that the hours/days/weeks that my sister and I have spent fighting about everything to do and not to do with dance, resulting on permanent scars were pointless! I want to feel like I've done something with myself and accomplished something to show my friends that I can do more than bitch and drink!


The forces of 'failure avoidance' used to lead me to dance classes every day, hours at the gym and early nights in bed. These were my ways of preparing and gearing up to a point of mental and physical wellness. Now, after a few years of 'NO's' and 'SORRY's' and 'TRY AGAIN's' I'm left at a standstill. All the hard work and time that I put in have resulted in nothing real or substantial. So now I travel down the path of least resistance. Not wanting to suck and fail have led me to a place where I don't even put myself out there. Now I surround myself with wonderful and supportive people, but I hermit myself from rejection and negativity. I swap dance classes for movies. I'd rather sit in a dark room where no one can see me sprawl my legs and down a Diet Dr. Pepper than wear skin tight clothes in bad lighting while standing next to girls who are the size of my thigh. I swap hours at the gym for hours at work. At least at the end of a day at work I can feel some sort of accomplishment with the money I have in my hands as opposed to those 1000 sit-ups I could be doing that haven’t made a bit of difference to my mid-section. And if you didn't already guess it, I swap those early bedtimes with DVR and bottles of wine.


These things I have control over: the movies, the working, the wine. I can't control anything else, or at least it doesn't seem like it! I finally can understand why people get fat: they can't tap into feelings of control or accomplishment with anything other than food! I’m not at this place just yet, thankfully my diet is better now than ever- but mama still loves her chocolate and Tasti-D!


So what's one to do? How do I get myself out of this rut? How do I make myself better and more useful for my benefit and those around me?  Where do I start? What should be the first thing on my list to cross off?


How about: Don't Suck Today? (Maybe tomorrow!)