When I was in school and taking 3-5 dance classes a day, you couldn't pay me to miss a class. I think I skipped two in 3 years and had extreme guilt the whole time. I was at all of my classes, and often took ones I wasn't even registered for! I was on time, dressed (sometimes sloppily) and ready to go. I'm not a saint, I of course had off days, or bad mental days, but I was still there and pushed through my issues. Now, I live in NYC, a Mecca for dance and theatre and I chose to not go to a class more often than not. But to top it off, when I'm in class I have a hard time being present. I either am busy thinking about the other things I need to be doing, or I'm beating myself up for everything under the sun. And I seriously mean everything: my pale face, my chubby legs, my bruised arms, my boxy body, my poorly styled hair, my lack of focus, my bad attitude, my ugly shirt, the camel toe my shorts are giving me, my horrible balance, my ripping feet.
My sense of perfection has not changed. I always expect the best from myself, but it's at such an extreme that I've lost my ability to breathe! I get so nervous that I'm going to suck and fail that I'm having a hard time enjoying what I'm doing. I don't have a problem being challenged or stepping out of my comfort zone, but I just don't want to suck! I am aware that this feeling of struggle and inadequacy is bound to happen from time to time, so I should stop bitching, but lately I can't help but let it get to me. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, and not in any one direction, just around in circles that will eventually get swallowed by a black hole.
When you’re 'to do' list is a mile long, where do you start? I've never been afraid of success, I thrive on it, and I live for it! I love being good at things whether it's dancing, cooking, writing or drinking- I want to to be the best! I love the sense of accomplishment and elation that you get from a job well done.
What I don't like, is failing. I've always put a huge amount of pressure on myself to do well. As much as this pressure is for me, I strive for greatness because I want those who are important to me to be proud of me. I want my dad to know his money for lessons, costumes, school and trips went to good use. I want my mom to know that her hours spent driving to competitions, rhinestoning costumes and selling flowers were all appreciated. I want my brothers to know that their support at every competition and recital was important to me, even if they spent the whole time playing football in a back hall. And most of all I'd hate to think that the hours/days/weeks that my sister and I have spent fighting about everything to do and not to do with dance, resulting on permanent scars were pointless! I want to feel like I've done something with myself and accomplished something to show my friends that I can do more than bitch and drink!
The forces of 'failure avoidance' used to lead me to dance classes every day, hours at the gym and early nights in bed. These were my ways of preparing and gearing up to a point of mental and physical wellness. Now, after a few years of 'NO's' and 'SORRY's' and 'TRY AGAIN's' I'm left at a standstill. All the hard work and time that I put in have resulted in nothing real or substantial. So now I travel down the path of least resistance. Not wanting to suck and fail have led me to a place where I don't even put myself out there. Now I surround myself with wonderful and supportive people, but I hermit myself from rejection and negativity. I swap dance classes for movies. I'd rather sit in a dark room where no one can see me sprawl my legs and down a Diet Dr. Pepper than wear skin tight clothes in bad lighting while standing next to girls who are the size of my thigh. I swap hours at the gym for hours at work. At least at the end of a day at work I can feel some sort of accomplishment with the money I have in my hands as opposed to those 1000 sit-ups I could be doing that haven’t made a bit of difference to my mid-section. And if you didn't already guess it, I swap those early bedtimes with DVR and bottles of wine.
These things I have control over: the movies, the working, the wine. I can't control anything else, or at least it doesn't seem like it! I finally can understand why people get fat: they can't tap into feelings of control or accomplishment with anything other than food! I’m not at this place just yet, thankfully my diet is better now than ever- but mama still loves her chocolate and Tasti-D!
So what's one to do? How do I get myself out of this rut? How do I make myself better and more useful for my benefit and those around me? Where do I start? What should be the first thing on my list to cross off?
How about: Don't Suck Today? (Maybe tomorrow!)
No comments:
Post a Comment