I'm Sorry!

I'm sorry. I apologize for neglecting you! I know you were concerned.  But no worries!  There was no fight, no hard feelings, just a very busy couple of weeks! So to make it up to you I bring you: STORY TIME! Here's a few of my favorites from the last few weeks! Always fun, always entertaining!



STORY ONE: Cancer Guy

I know... I'm going to hell. But this is the best way to reference the gentleman I had a conversation with at work the other night. A gentleman came to the bar with his wife, ordered a few beers, and went back into the ibis of the crowd. A little while later he came to the bar by himself and ordered two more beers. Without being prompted he went into a story about how he was so excited about being out having a few beers because he has cancer. The story goes as follows: "This is the first time in 2.5 months that I have felt any sort of relief. You'll know when you have cancer (hey- don't give me cancer), that you just feel this incredible weight on your shoulders while you try to determine your best course of action. Between meeting with different doctors and hearing different treatment processes I have been so stressed and unable to enjoy life, which is even worse when you consider my current prognosis. When you get cancer you'll know first hand about all these ups and downs you go through, it's mental warfare (once again- don't put cancer on me!). But today I came in from Long Island and met with the best doctor in the field of cancer that I have and I'm so excited now about the plan of treatment and the outlook for the future. This is the best day I've had in 2.5 months, and this beer is just helping so much. I feel like one beer is just hitting me a little bit harder than usual but it's probably because I don't feel all this stress and pressure. But you'll know all about that (Will I? WILL I?)."


Though I didn't like the pressure the gentleman was putting on me, I did have a sensitive moment where I was very moved by his story, and his telling me of the story. Though my initial jaded New Yorker reaction was- spare me the lies.  But I believe he was just moved to tell me his story and I was moved to give him the beers for free. I can be a bitch, but this bitch didn't feel right charging him after the intense 5 minutes of story telling he shared with me. He was grateful and took the beers to meet his wife. A few minutes later his wife came back to the bar to thank me for being so kind to her husband, and as she started to cry because of my sweet gesture she handed me a few dollars and went back to her table where her husband was waiting. Fast forward an hour, this same woman is storming out of the bar because she can't believe her husband was "flirting" with the TRASHY bartender. UMM? I'm slightly confused; you thank me, and then call me trashy? AWESOME!



STORY TWO: Computer Parts

I wish that this was my story, so much so that I might start passing it off as mine, but for now I can't take the credit. BUT, I swear this is a true story as told to me by a co-worker. His friend is the assistant to a magazine editor who was going out of town with her family for a week. Her boss asked her to watch their dog, a St Bernard, while they were gone. I should now mention that this assistant is pint size, think 5 foot 95 pounds, nothing but bones. So, she shows up to the house in Brooklyn to find that the dog is dead. This of course is incredibly unfortunate and if it had been me would have been slightly nauseating. She calls her boss to inform her of the loss of their pet and is given instructions to take the dog to the vet, who will hold on to him until they are able to come home and have a memorial. It's a little after midnight at this point and this poor girl needs to find a way to get this big dog to the vet’s office. She finds a suitcase, puts the dog inside it, and then proceeds to the subway. Why she didn't get a cab, I don't know?! After clunking down the steps and riding a few stops, she gets off to see the tallest flight of stairs imaginable. After schlepping the suitcase up a few steps (thump, thump, thump) a gentleman comes up behind her and offers to help her with it the rest of the way. Once they get to the top he asks her what could possibly be inside?  Because it was very heavy. She wasn't about to tell him that it was her boss's dead dog, so she said that it was computer parts from her office that she was moving to her apartment! He nods, then punches her square in the face, and runs down the street with the suitcase. That's the punch line! What else could possibly be said after that?  She's left standing at this stop in Brooklyn at 2am with a bloody nose and has to call her boss to inform her that her dog won't be making it to the memorial service, oh, and she no longer has a piece of pricey luggage!



STORY TWO FOLLOW-UP: My mom's spin on the story

I told the above story to my mom and she fell on the floor laughing! So in typical mom fashion, she shared this story with everyone she knows. And, people she doesn't know! My mother can't ever get through a joke or a funny story with a straight face, but apparently she can't read her audience either to know if said joke/story is appropriate and will be well received. The moral of this story: don't share a story about a dead dog in a suitcase with someone you have never met who walks into your place of business and asks you to hold their dog! In these situations it's very likely the dog is like a child to said person, which would be the equivalent to putting me in a suitcase and sharing the story with my mother- pretty sure this person isn't going to find it funny. And I'm pretty sure this person is going to start crying (and he did).