You are NOT Making this Easy!

I am trying, I really really am trying to not be jaded and negative this Holiday season. If you work in the service industry you are aware of this feeling of utter hatred for all things happy and all persons celebrating and acting as if it's the greatest time of the year. I mean, ok, it kind of is...but when you have to serve foreign, or drunken assholes, who don't tip and/or care that you are busting your ass so you can buy nice things for the Holidays, you want these people dead. I'm not saying I would kill them myself, but you kind of wish for evil things to happen to them.

I know! I'm a horrible person. I'm going to hell. I should watch what I say. My response: yes, of course and bite me! I'm not trying to be mean (which doesn't make it much better I guess), but when you run around trying to get people drinks, set them up for food, clean off your surroundings and help out your coworkers the last thing that is going to help the situation is a $2 tip, in quarters, on a $35 check. Not cool. Not cool. And while running around the last thing you want is your manager to watch you from the other side of the bar, not help you, and then say 'eh-he-he, it's kind of like running around the gym isn't it!?'. No, it's not. I enjoy running around the gym. I usually feel a sense of accomplishment after running around the gym, unlike while running around the restaurant for free...not enjoyable.

So to make this short:

*Don't be stupid
*Don't be overly demanding
*Be aware of how busy your server/bartender is and have sympathy
*Don't be stupid
*Don't eat out if you can't afford a proper tip
*Don't listen to Oprah
*Don't tip in change
*Don't justify being rude by overly smiling
*Don't be stupid

Black Friday

There is a little piece inside of each and every one of us that is CRAZY! I am no exception, in fact my piece is larger than most people's but I'm ok with that and have learned to embrace this quality that I posses! Well, let me just say that the CRAZIES were in full form on the morning/day known as Black Friday. I should really do the research and find out who coined the phrase, because one would think it would be Green Friday (green as in money spent, and money saved), but whoever coined the term BLACK needs a cookie! I am gonna guess that black is to represent the mass chaos, pandemonium and insanity that is the day after Thanksgiving in the United States. I wonder if other countries and cultures have an equivalent?  But if they don't I seriously recommend coming and observing this cultural phenomenon, it's more entertaining than the WWE and definitely not staged!




My girlfriend Jules and I got up at 4am (though we originally intended to be at Target by then), made our way to Timmy Hos (Tim Hortons, the ones in Manhattan are nothing like the ones in B-Lo), grabbed our coffee then headed off to the madness. We should have known by the fact that we were in a drive-thru line that was out into the street that the day was going to be crazy. My saying that makes it seem like I've never done Black Friday shopping before, I definitely have, but it's just been a while. While in the food line the clock turned 5am and at that moment we could see the cars that were across the street at Wal-Mart zipping out of the parking lot. This not only meant that people had been there insanely early, but that they were ridiculously fast in acquiring their stupid electronics and cheap plastic toys and were on to the next store.

We got to Target at about 5:15am.  The store had been opened for 15minutes and already there were people in line to check out. We thought our best bet would be to head to the electronics department to see what was left that we might want to get a good deal on. There wasn’t anything that we were dying to have, but a deal is a deal. I mean $8 for a season of Friends, or Sex and the City or House! Screw holiday shopping, I was stocking up my collection. Thankfully the DVDs had large stocks, which is not the same for the flat screen televisions, digital cameras and blue ray players. The crowd around the electronics counter was so huge that people were jumping up and down on each other from 15 feet back. It got to the point where electronics were literally being thrown into the air and being snatched and fought over by multiple hands. It reminded me of the scene in Jingle All the Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger where everyone is fighting over a damn doll! This was just the beginning of the comic and entertaining morning I was going to partake in!

Quickly we realized that the only way we were going to survive this store and the crazy masses would be to jump into line and take turns shopping while the other held our spot. Once we found the end of the line, which only took about 5 whole minutes and multiple treks up and down the aisles, we were in a standstill for twenty-five minutes. I took this as a prime opportunity to people watch. There were the young adults who were stocking up on gifts for the family, single mothers with carts full of toys, trashy Cheektowagans with an assortment of 'trendy' clothes and cheap electronics, old ladies with massage chairs and Williamsville Jews with rolls of Hanukkah wrapping paper.



I couldn't help but laugh out loud while on the phone with my mother (who was getting ready to work at Bath and Body works in Texas at 6am her time) at this woman who was bitching on the phone about how she just spent the last twenty minutes in a line to nowhere! Literally the line she was in went in a full circle before anyone realized that it wasn't a line! AMAZING!  She was talking so loudly it was as if she thought one of the 700 people in the check-out line was going to have sympathy for her and let her cut! FAT CHANCE! She then continued to say that she absolutely hated Target and was never going to shop there ever again. Really?! Seriously?! Don’t lie, you and I both know that you will be back tomorrow, and two times next week. I just think it's hysterical that when people are pissed off that they got screwed that they go to the extremes! If you were really that upset and thought that you had been wronged by the Target establishment you would have left your cart full of items and gone to your next destination...though it's not like it would have made a difference to the store, they were making probably a million dollars in two hours!



After our two hour line shopping experience, we checked out a few other stores, but by that point none were as crazy and packed as Target. I'm pretty sure that they were packed for the 48 straight hours that the sale was going on! But its Target, so as annoying as it all may be let's not forget that it's an amazing store, one that I miss daily!

Why You Gotta Steal My Shit??

If you remember from some of my earlier posts, I have a fabulous new apartment in NYC! This place is a HUGE, and I mean HUGE, step up from my last apartment. It's on the upper west side, on a generally quite street, cute neighborhood, right by Riverside, Morningside and Central Parks. The building itself is pre-war, elevator, twelve floors, kept up rather well, hardwood floors, high ceilings, big windows and quiet neighbors. I haven’t really made friends with people in my building, but we have definitely been cordial with everyone we have ridden the elevator with or walked in the front door with, except for the lady that purposefully shut the door on my face at 7:30 in the morning, on my first full day in the apartment. I was wheeling in two huge suitcases, a laundry bag and a bag of groceries, but because I tried to follow her in instead of getting out my keys and pretend like I was capable of doing so at that moment, she shut the door on my face and said "I don't know that you live here!!" I'm all about safety lady, but who the hell is gonna try to move in to the foyer of your building while pulling two VERY large PINK suitcases and a bright purple lululemon bag? O and by the way, your kid isn't cute, and it's NOT acceptable that you are wiping his runny nose with your bare hands!




I know that there is definitely an age range of people in the building. Like I just mentioned, a lady with a kid, there's an older married couple, a cute old gay guy, an older woman that you can tell was quite the hottie in her youth, but probably has 3 cats now and a handful of Colombia students. The question is...why on earth would they steal my package? The rent is enough in that building that we should feel like good people who take pride in their residencies would live there. I've never seen any sign of disrespect from anyone in the building to anyone else in the building. And I certainly haven't been there long enough to really piss anyone off! So why would my package have gone missing?



Saturday I was at work until early evening, came home, checked the mail in the mailbox, went to get on the elevator and saw a brown package from USPS sitting on the table, but wasn't expecting anything so I didn't bother to check the name. I came down about 2 hours later and was in a hurry to get to the train, but thought I should check the names on the package that was still sitting there and it was for me! I was running late but thought, 'oh, I’ll grab it when I come back!' Well, I came back about 4 hours later (now it's about 12:30am) and the table was empty. Not only was my package not there but the papers, magazines and other unclaimed mail were gone as well. I just assumed that my super cleaned up the garbage and that my package would be outside my door. It wasn't. The next day I worked all day but I figured that once Monday rolled around and since it would be regular mail hours that he would put it back out on the table.

After coming home again from work today my fabulous little package which is from my mom, wasn't on the table and it wasn’t upstairs by my door. In a little bit of a panic I called my super, he not only said he didn't have it but was so fricken rude, and I mean Russian rude. He was condescending and said 'someone must have took it'. NO SHIT! He tried to clarify that he meant the Post Office must have taken it back since it had been unclaimed. Yeah! Right! The post office wanders around the upper west side apartments at 10pm on a Saturday night to take back any packages that might have been sitting inside of a double door locked apartment building! BULL!

So now I'm pissed, and I'm sad, because someone has my package and that person is not me. It's a crime to take someone's mail, though you can never really prove this and people rarely get caught! I just want my damn package, which did I mention is from my mom? My amazing mother that still sends me shit even though I've moved out of the house! I hate you sir who has stolen my polar bear candle! It doesn’t matter that it's super cheesy, it's mine and I want it back! So give it up!

Mint Chocolate Chip

I remember being a junior in High School and having the assignment in English class to write for ten minutes non stop about whatever came to mind. It's funny to think of now but that was always such a difficult assignment. You were simply supposed to write about whatever thoughts came to your mind at that moment in time, but yet I always felt like I was devoid of thoughts once the pencil was in hand. Now I don't know if it's that writing on a laptop is easier than my ball point pen, or if it's just that I have more things on my mind now. There are times when I'm not incredibly motivated to write, but at the same time, I'm never short on thoughts, or things to say.

My poor friends, I absolutely love them, but they deserve a medal (or at least a life time supply of free drinks) for all they have to deal with with me! I never was the person to fully admit in High School that I was slightly self-centered, or that I had a bitchy-ness to me. Now, I love it! It can be a make or break quality when it comes to making friends, but I think it helps eliminate some of the bullshit from my life! I'm sure I will never be fully free of the ridiculous drama that exists in life, but that also comes from the fact that I am a Leo and I crave the spotlight and attention. This is yet another fact that I was never fully comfortable saying out loud.

Have I ever mentioned that I was Senior Class President? Yes, yes I was. The class of 2003 at Clarence High School, I was Senior Class President. I did a damn good job too. I'm slightly OCD, so I have this compulsive need to be in charge, and what better way than to be President. I don't always have the ideas, or the solution, but I do like having the power to decide what the final course of action is going to be! I wish there was a class President in NYC! I think it would give me a better sense of control in an uncontrollable city. Now I'm not saying that NYC is like Las Vegas, yet at the same time it is very uncontrollable. Usually in the form of alcohol consumption or one night stands (not unlike Vegas) yet in NYC, we don't do things under an alias name. Though, the next morning, we wish we had,



Have you ever seen the movie Man of the House? The one with Tommy Lee where he protects a bunch of cheerleaders, not the one with Jonathan Taylor Thomas (aka JTT) and Chevy Chase circa mid nineties. At least I think they have the same name. Well, the prior is on FX right now, but now that I think of it, I might have preferred to watch the later. I love that Chevy Chase tries to become a father figure in JTT's life, yet JTT tries to sabotage the relationship between his mom and this new boyfriend. I mean, I'll never forget the fight scene where the good guys are all dressed like Indians because that's their troupe theme! Classic movie. Kind of like the Saved by the Bell, Hawaiian Paradise episode. This too is also related to my Senior Class president Days. I wrote about SBTB in my speech and how much I loved it! I still do, so much so that I watched it the other morning while getting ready for work. There is no real reason to love these movies, except for the sense of nostalgia that they provide. Because honestly as kids we didn't know any better, and now that we do, we wish we didn't!

I think this has been a solid ten minutes. To be honest it might have been less; I got up for some mint chocolate skinny cow ice cream sandwiches with cool whip for a hot tick. But it's not like you really care. It's not like you care at all if you are reading this! I mean, who the hell am I? Just a chick with a lot to say and a serious sweet tooth! Any who, I should seriously hop on my reformer now, but I think I'll have another one of those sandwiches instead!

Wicked 'Wicked' Girls

Are you fricken kidding me? I went to my first real audition yesterday since being back in the city. By 'real' I mean, a legit job, not one that requires me to dance on a giant piano in a famous toy store (not that I wouldn't have taken that job if it had been offered to me, but come on-it's no Broadway). I got my ass up at 7am (7:45am by the time I actually got up), schlepped to Ripley Grier studios by 9am, put my name on the Non-Equity list (I was #33) and then moved my non-union ass to the hallway as to allow those more 'privileged' performers (by privileged I mean the ones that found the vending machine that dispenses Equity cards, because there couldn't possibly be any way that they actually booked a show to receive said card). At 10am I found out that the card wasn't for another half hour, so my running around wasn't necessary. During this hour I sat and chatted with people I've met over the last few years through this painful process and then decided I should go check the status of the list.




Though the call hadn't started yet, I knew that the names on the unofficial list should have been transferred by now to the 'special' piece of paper that Equity provided. I've been doing these types of calls for 3.5 years now. The newbie’s to the city show up at the ass crack of dawn to put their names on this list because they believe that it might make some sort of difference in their standings on getting the job. Others show up early to make sure they are some of the first seen because they have to leave at a certain time to get to work or class. I used to be one of these crazy people, now I show up an hour before the call starts (or that I think it starts), get comfy, do my audition, then peace the fuck out. One thing that I have learned in these last three years is a manner of respect for my fellow performers. This respect is shown through many ways including honoring the unofficial list when it becomes time to transfer it to the official list.

This list business is such a pain in the ass, but it's a necessary evil. If you have gotten your ass to mid-town at 7am to start a list, you hope that if you step out for a cup of coffee or a phone call that those people that have shown up after you will commend your effort and place your name in its rightful spot when it becomes time to transfer the names. It doesn't matter that that monitor says to only transfer your name, you transfer ALL the names, and respect the order in which they were put there in the first place.



Apparently these new fresh faced bitches need to read my blog, or simply ask me questions on the protocol of auditioning, because my name was moved from #33 to #92. HOW RUDE! And the thing that pisses me off is this is the second time in the last two months that this has happened to me. And, ironically enough both times have been at open calls for 'Wicked'. What happened to respect and decency for your fellow performers? The industry is in a slump as it is; the last thing we need is for a lack of kindness before we even get in the room. In the room you are allowed to work it, game on...but outside the room, you are nice, cordial, you share your hairspray, offer fashion tips, because by doing these things you allow your competitors to be at their peak in the audition room. You need them to be at their peak, because what's the point of kicking their ass when they look like shit before they even enter the room?!



I know the numbers game is silly and stupid, and I shouldn't be upset, I still got seen. But when you have been pounding the pavement for three years, you get tired, and as much as you are still hoping for a break, you just want people to understand that you are working just as hard as they are! I guess the jokes on the little bitches in the room though... I got called back, they didn't! Now it's back to waiting and seeing.  I know that call from Broadway will happen...today would be nice!

Bite Me Oprah!

One thing I hate more than being sick (which I currently am), is when I hear influential people say stupid and preposterous things. Today's ridiculous statement was by the fabulous Oprah Winfrey. I will admit right off the bat; I'm not a fan of Oprah. She can be fabulous, but she thinks that she's Jesus. Congrats to her for her rags to riches story, getting a black man elected President (whom I love), building a school in Africa and giving away a hundred cars (that she didn't pay for), but leave the encouragement of American ignornace to the Kardashians. The last thing we need is for you, dear Oprah to start blabbing your mouth about things you obviously know nothing about, therefore dictating the future actions of your loyal followers.

Case in point of this is the statement she made on her show about it being acceptable to tip your waiter (or bartender) 10% in this time of economic hardship. Well, I don't know what planet Ms. Oprah lives on, but she just officially fucked with my livelihood. It was bad enough that I had to worry about the minimal to no tips one encounters while waiting on foreign patrons, but now I have to worry about the Mid-West 10. This is BULL! I would like to know where Oprah got her information from. I'm pretty positive that she has never waited a table in her life, though I'm sure she's circled many a buffet. But seriously, where does she get off making a comment that directly affects the paychecks of thousands of Americans.

Though I think it's retarded, millions of people watch her show and take what she has to say as the Holy Grail. I'm not sure why, but people do. She says "buy this sweater", people do. She says "only drink this beverage", people do. She says "do this" to lose the weight and keep it off...ok, well people might think twice with this one. But who would question the most influential person on television when it comes to 'dining etiquette'?  I mean, we all know the parties that she is so famous for hosting! Under any other circumstances I don't know if I would, but this 10% tip shit, is shit.


In case you are like Oprah and completely unaware as to how finances in a restaurant work, here's a little info. Waiters, bartenders, bussers, runners all make their livings, at least here in the United States, from tips. Base salaries exist because it's the law, but it's not minimum wage that we are collecting it's roughly $4.25 an hour. And that's if you are lucky, in some states it's far lower. This hourly base rate is what our taxes come out of; though it's still not nearly enough therefore we all owe thousands of dollars each year while most people are collecting a return check. and in case you don't pay attention, your waiters, bartenders, bussers and runners get to work early and stay late to set up, clean up and organize the restaurant so you have a nice, cool, fun place to go to. And while you are sitting at your table or on your stool they are running around to fulfill your ridiculous requests. Of course we are going to say it's not a problem to get you that fourth basket of bread that we don't even offer in our restaurant. Of course we will run upstairs to get you a band aid for the cut you endured from ripping off your trashy fake nails. Of course it's not a problem to ask the chef to create a new dish especially for you and your dietary limitations when he's got a line of 50 tickets and is missing his fry and sauté guys.


Please don't misunderstand that we are doing these above and beyond things because we like you, or that we think you are special, or that we are just that fabulous. We are doing these obnoxious tasks because we are poor and need money, and if we don't do these things we will lose our jobs and will then be unable to pay for our therapy, and by therapy I mean alcohol. So like I was saying, these tasks that you are throwing at us are usually NOT in our job descriptions, but if we don't follow through we will be unemployed. You need to appreciate our skills, our hard work and our ass kissing, and this appreciation is in the form of a tip. 15% is satisfactory and should be considered the bare minimum, even if your service sucked, someone put in an effort to take care of your needs. 20% is preferred, especially when you know that you have made their job even slightly more difficult than it needed to be.


If you agree with Oprah that it is acceptable to leave a 10% tip, then I ask you to do any of the following:

A. Move to London where this is the standard in tipping.

B. Stay at home, order in, it's cheaper and doesn't require tipping, accept to maybe 3 bucks to the delivery guy.

C. Come right out and admit that you are an ignorant asshole and have no intention on leaving a decent tip. This won't make me like you, but it will at least save me a tad bit of mental sanity when I count how much you've left.  But at least I won't care because I know that I did the bare minimum to meet your needs from the start!

'ME' Day

I am smack dab in the middle of my 'me' day that I was feeling was much deserved, but it’s really just an excuse to stay in my PJs, drink lots of tea, nosh every few hours and watch episodes of The West Wing (YES, I am obsessed) and The Good Wife.



In my previous blog I had mentioned my frustration and currently lacking motivation to do, well, just about anything productive. What I realized is that I'm not lacking in motivation or even passion, but the "butterfly effect". The "butterfly effect" is what I like to refer to as the feeling that everything is worth it. I've currently lost the belief that taking those classes, and going to those auditions, even hanging out at certain industry hot spots are going to have any sort of effect on my current situation. It was the belief that all these things were going to help, or push me in the right direction that used to give me butterflies.


My former roommate would say that I was living in a land of delusion. She said my 'everything happens for a reason, it will all work out in the end' mentality was unrealistic. But at the time it was my sincere belief that it as all going to be all right, and that everything was going to work out. I still feel connected to these mentalities, but I'm on the other side of it, that it's hard to practice it. I've taken the dance classes to make myself better; I've done the voice lessons and the acting coaching. I've dropped weight, colored my hair, changed jobs, splurged on professional shoes and clothes, upgraded my headshots and resume...yet, I'm still in the same boat. My boat seems to only have one oar, because I'm going in circles.


It's silly to admit, but I loved the way it felt to be giddy and 'delusional' to the stresses and challenges in attaining my goals. I guess because I never was as naive as I let on. I was aware of how hard it was going to be to start my career, to get noticed, to achieve the high standards I set for myself. But it was fun trying! It was fun to me to try new dances, new outfits, new teachers, and new jobs. Three years later though, I've tried it all! It's not so fun anymore! I miss the butterflies. I miss the feeling of potentially being left out of greatness, therefore needing to be everywhere, ALL THE TIME. So I know it's not motivation I'm missing, because if it was that, I would still be in bed (and not on the couch...see step in the right direction), and I wouldn't look up class schedules on-line, and I wouldn't have bought a reformer to actually use because I'm not feeling well enough to go to the gym.

So now that I know what it is I'm missing... how do I get it back? How do I get the butterflies back in my stomach? I can say, 'oh, it will start Monday' or 'the first of the month will be the day', but why can't it start today? Why do I need a starting day? Why do I need a marker for life to begin?


I don't want to sit back and watch life roll on. I don't want to pretend like make excuses for not doing things that I know that I want and need to do is ok. I need to be the driver, not the passenger in my life. It’s time I start acting like it!

Bad Day

For my loyal fans out there in the blogging world (all two of you) who have noticed my absence...I'm back. As I sit on my fabulously large and comfy couch watching The West Wing for the 457th time, I am trying to channel the reasons as to why I write this blog. I remember starting it as a way to share all my thoughts, opinions and advice with anyone crazy enough to listen to me.  I guess secretly I was hoping that someone would find the things I had to say funny and kitschy in the ways of Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin. Both of whom I know are comedians, which I am not...but I can be kind of funny!  Maybe not 'haha' funny, but 'stupid shit happens to me' funny.



The basis of everything I have to say is obviously coming from the fact that I am a dancer, living in New York City, who has to make a living bartending while waiting for her big break. "Big break", is a phrase that didn't seem like such a preposterous statement three years ago when I first moved to the city, but after a bad day (which I had yesterday), those two words are seriously silly.

I've had far worse days in my life; deaths of family members, horrible fights with friends, break-ups, injuries, failures, but yesterday was one of those days that you don't like to have as a performer, but unfortuneately attack like the plague (or H1N1...ba dum chi!). It was basically a woe is me day, but it left me questioning why I'm doing what I'm doing. I named this blog 'hopelessly passionate' because that's what I like to think that I am.  When times are tough, and seem to show little chance or light or success, I like to think that I have what it takes to keep on going and push though to the good times.  But I also like to think I'm 'hopelessly passionate' because the title is part of a quote in which you are either that or 'very stupid'.  I have moments of stupidity, but I'm not quick to admit to it! 

But what is passion? Can you still be passionate while feeling defeated and unmotivated? Can you call yourself an artist when you are uninspired and frustrated with not only the circumstances of the job, but yourself as well?

I had the pleasure of teaching a class at Broadway Dance Center yesterday. One, in which only six people attended. No, I was not surprised, I was a substitute teacher, and even I don't take classes from subs...but of course I was still hoping for more. Of these six people, one left during the combo, and the other five rolled their eyes the entire time. Not to mention, the fact that I had a class to teach didn't matter to the French Hip-Hop instructor who was in the room before me who thought nothing of going ten minutes over. After the packed room was cleared for my sad excuse for a class size I immediately felt that I was no good. It's one thing to get this feeling at an audition after being critiqued, judged then cut, but to feel like this when you are going to be leading and teaching a class is catastrophic. And the disappointing part of all this to me is that I was so excited an hour earlier to be teaching.  I'm a good teacher, and I'd like to think even a good choreographer. I'm incredibly knowledgeable to the many techniques of dance, I have a strong work ethic, plus I get a huge thrill from it all! Yet yesterday, instead of feeling the joy, I felt the force of pain and struggle. This is the struggle one feels not only as a performer, but the struggle one goes though to get any sort of recognition in this city, not just talent recognition, but the kind of recognition it requires to just cross the street without a cab speeding 50 MPH towards you and not hitting you.


I've thought about giving it all up and switching professions. But the things I'm good at and the things that I like to do require the same schmoozing and networking, the same ass kissing and ladder climbing that this industry demands. Oh, and all the while costing time and money. Another option is to leaveNew York City and teach at some Dolly Dinkle studio, or to do dinner theatre and community choreography in East Bumblefuck...but let’s be serious, I don't want that! I’m better than that! Plus, I have a life in New York (granted it's not one that I really want), but I have friends that are my family, not to mention you can't get the energy and culture of New York anywhere else.

So that is where I was left yesterday. I felt upset and defeated. I want inspiration and motivation. I want to take class to further improve my style and technique. I want to get out of the restaurant business. I want to be able to provide for myself without feeling like every dime I make is potentially being wasted on a silly dream. But at the same time, I know that I am talented. I know that when the opportunity is in front of me, and it's hard and challenging and scary, that I buck up and plow full steam ahead. I know that when I am surrounded by greatness I can't stop thinking and dreaming and striving for more. I know that this isn't some silly dream. I know that there are going to be more bad days, so to prepare for them I am officially taking a 'ME' day. Because there is only one person out there that has faith in my greatness and the power to make things happen, and that person is me!


(For furute reference: Wine + Grey's Anatomy + Good Friends = The Cure to a Bad Day)