The basis of everything I have to say is obviously coming from the fact that I am a dancer, living in New York City, who has to make a living bartending while waiting for her big break. "Big break", is a phrase that didn't seem like such a preposterous statement three years ago when I first moved to the city, but after a bad day (which I had yesterday), those two words are seriously silly.
I've had far worse days in my life; deaths of family members, horrible fights with friends, break-ups, injuries, failures, but yesterday was one of those days that you don't like to have as a performer, but unfortuneately attack like the plague (or H1N1...ba dum chi!). It was basically a woe is me day, but it left me questioning why I'm doing what I'm doing. I named this blog 'hopelessly passionate' because that's what I like to think that I am. When times are tough, and seem to show little chance or light or success, I like to think that I have what it takes to keep on going and push though to the good times. But I also like to think I'm 'hopelessly passionate' because the title is part of a quote in which you are either that or 'very stupid'. I have moments of stupidity, but I'm not quick to admit to it!
But what is passion? Can you still be passionate while feeling defeated and unmotivated? Can you call yourself an artist when you are uninspired and frustrated with not only the circumstances of the job, but yourself as well?
I had the pleasure of teaching a class at Broadway Dance Center yesterday. One, in which only six people attended. No, I was not surprised, I was a substitute teacher, and even I don't take classes from subs...but of course I was still hoping for more. Of these six people, one left during the combo, and the other five rolled their eyes the entire time. Not to mention, the fact that I had a class to teach didn't matter to the French Hip-Hop instructor who was in the room before me who thought nothing of going ten minutes over. After the packed room was cleared for my sad excuse for a class size I immediately felt that I was no good. It's one thing to get this feeling at an audition after being critiqued, judged then cut, but to feel like this when you are going to be leading and teaching a class is catastrophic. And the disappointing part of all this to me is that I was so excited an hour earlier to be teaching. I'm a good teacher, and I'd like to think even a good choreographer. I'm incredibly knowledgeable to the many techniques of dance, I have a strong work ethic, plus I get a huge thrill from it all! Yet yesterday, instead of feeling the joy, I felt the force of pain and struggle. This is the struggle one feels not only as a performer, but the struggle one goes though to get any sort of recognition in this city, not just talent recognition, but the kind of recognition it requires to just cross the street without a cab speeding 50 MPH towards you and not hitting you.
I've thought about giving it all up and switching professions. But the things I'm good at and the things that I like to do require the same schmoozing and networking, the same ass kissing and ladder climbing that this industry demands. Oh, and all the while costing time and money. Another option is to leaveNew York City and teach at some Dolly Dinkle studio, or to do dinner theatre and community choreography in East Bumblefuck...but let’s be serious, I don't want that! I’m better than that! Plus, I have a life in New York (granted it's not one that I really want), but I have friends that are my family, not to mention you can't get the energy and culture of New York anywhere else.
So that is where I was left yesterday. I felt upset and defeated. I want inspiration and motivation. I want to take class to further improve my style and technique. I want to get out of the restaurant business. I want to be able to provide for myself without feeling like every dime I make is potentially being wasted on a silly dream. But at the same time, I know that I am talented. I know that when the opportunity is in front of me, and it's hard and challenging and scary, that I buck up and plow full steam ahead. I know that when I am surrounded by greatness I can't stop thinking and dreaming and striving for more. I know that this isn't some silly dream. I know that there are going to be more bad days, so to prepare for them I am officially taking a 'ME' day. Because there is only one person out there that has faith in my greatness and the power to make things happen, and that person is me!
(For furute reference: Wine + Grey's Anatomy + Good Friends = The Cure to a Bad Day)
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