'ME' Day

I am smack dab in the middle of my 'me' day that I was feeling was much deserved, but it’s really just an excuse to stay in my PJs, drink lots of tea, nosh every few hours and watch episodes of The West Wing (YES, I am obsessed) and The Good Wife.



In my previous blog I had mentioned my frustration and currently lacking motivation to do, well, just about anything productive. What I realized is that I'm not lacking in motivation or even passion, but the "butterfly effect". The "butterfly effect" is what I like to refer to as the feeling that everything is worth it. I've currently lost the belief that taking those classes, and going to those auditions, even hanging out at certain industry hot spots are going to have any sort of effect on my current situation. It was the belief that all these things were going to help, or push me in the right direction that used to give me butterflies.


My former roommate would say that I was living in a land of delusion. She said my 'everything happens for a reason, it will all work out in the end' mentality was unrealistic. But at the time it was my sincere belief that it as all going to be all right, and that everything was going to work out. I still feel connected to these mentalities, but I'm on the other side of it, that it's hard to practice it. I've taken the dance classes to make myself better; I've done the voice lessons and the acting coaching. I've dropped weight, colored my hair, changed jobs, splurged on professional shoes and clothes, upgraded my headshots and resume...yet, I'm still in the same boat. My boat seems to only have one oar, because I'm going in circles.


It's silly to admit, but I loved the way it felt to be giddy and 'delusional' to the stresses and challenges in attaining my goals. I guess because I never was as naive as I let on. I was aware of how hard it was going to be to start my career, to get noticed, to achieve the high standards I set for myself. But it was fun trying! It was fun to me to try new dances, new outfits, new teachers, and new jobs. Three years later though, I've tried it all! It's not so fun anymore! I miss the butterflies. I miss the feeling of potentially being left out of greatness, therefore needing to be everywhere, ALL THE TIME. So I know it's not motivation I'm missing, because if it was that, I would still be in bed (and not on the couch...see step in the right direction), and I wouldn't look up class schedules on-line, and I wouldn't have bought a reformer to actually use because I'm not feeling well enough to go to the gym.

So now that I know what it is I'm missing... how do I get it back? How do I get the butterflies back in my stomach? I can say, 'oh, it will start Monday' or 'the first of the month will be the day', but why can't it start today? Why do I need a starting day? Why do I need a marker for life to begin?


I don't want to sit back and watch life roll on. I don't want to pretend like make excuses for not doing things that I know that I want and need to do is ok. I need to be the driver, not the passenger in my life. It’s time I start acting like it!