These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

"... When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad"



Ok, so no, the two things I'm about to mention are definitely NOT my favorite things! The first would be getting CUT from auditions, and the second would be dental work. Lucky me, I've had both done to me in the last two days! YAY for me (fuck my life)!


I’m immersed in travel plans right now, and stop one was to Dallas. I masked going to the So You Think You Can Dance audition with a stop home. I told a few friends that I was coming out for the audition, but everyone else assumed I was visiting my family, because if you've met my mother you know how much she thrives on her kids being in her house (or at least under the same roof!). Anyways, I got cut in NYC, and thought I could redeem myself and maybe have a better chance of standing out in Dallas. Well, things didn't really go well for me. I spent the morning jumping around in front of cameras, running up and down steps, talking to producers like I was hot shit and mentoring fresh faced 18 year olds on what to expect once getting inside. Once I got in front of the producers I did was I always do while improving for them... I forgot how to dance! I CAN dance, I AM a good dancer, yet once whatever song they choose to play is on, I freak out, and result to what... CARTWHEELS! This time it was just a half a cartwheel, but still...WHAT! Either he felt pity on me, or expected better, but he asked me to stick around to dance again.

Sticking around was the last thing I wanted! I wanted a ticket or to get cut right away!  I mean, it's great to have a second chance, but there is just so much pressure, and while I used to work well under it, now I freeze! I wanted to be on this damn show so bad, especially considering all those little girls standing around me in line got through! So needless to say, I got in the room for a second time (4th this season), and did what I always do- I got cut! I went for it, just not well enough apparently! I mean, the girls that got kept were jumping around the floor with bent knees and sickled feet and horrible port de bras... but I GOT CUT! But you know what? It's ok! I wasn’t meant to be on that show. They would be lucky to have me on that show, because I AM AN ARTIST! I am not a puppet. I am not a 12 year old whacking her leg! I am a DANCER, and I'm moving on. If no one is going to hire me, I'm going to hire myself!


Now on to the second thing I love so much! Every time I am in Dallas I spend time in the Dentist's office. It's getting old! Last time I was in town I had three cavities filled, was told I needed gum surgery and had to look at veneer implants. Today, I had my last two wisdom teeth taken out. I'm doing fine now, just a couple hours of bleeding and numbness! But seriously! COME ON! I’m over it! I'm too poor for this shit and I can't expect for my parents to pay for it! Though I blame these issues on them, I mean God love him, but my father doesn't have the prettiest teeth, and my mom gave me too much fluoride as a kid, so there's blame there too!


In a nutshell that was my trip to Dallas.  I spent day one crying over getting cut and day two eating copious amounts of ice cream due to minimal mouth function! I'm unemployed, toothless and fat!  If I keep this up maybe I can be on The Biggest Loser!

Thank You Twyla!

If you have ever read more than one of my posts you will have most likely come across my tendency to vent about my failed auditions, lack of motivation and desperation to find something other than bartending to pay my bills. Well, my game face is now on and it's all thanks to the fabulous Twyla Tharp. Not only is my blog heading inspired by one of her quotes, my new found motivation is as well.



I was so lucky to have a friend invite me to a show of Come Fly Away, the new Twyla Tharp dance musical set to the music of Frank Sinatra. It was a beautiful display of amazing dancers, but in case you are wondering... it was no Movin' Out. I won't nit-pick the show apart just yet; I'll wait till it's done with previews after which I will hope to see that some serious changes have been made!

Anyways, while I was listening to the music of one of my all time favorite artists I watched some of the most talented artists in the business glide across the Marriott Marquis stage. THAT is what I want to do! THAT is who I want to work with and who I want to work for. It's been four years since I graduated from Point Park, so I'm slightly out of shape when it comes to the world of concert dance. I've been living in NYC and have become accustomed to the 'jazz square, kick ball change' combinations you are privy to at musical calls! It's a rare occasion that you get the chance to DANCE, aside from taking class that is, and we all know that costs money!


The beauty of the movement was not in the steps themselves, it was in the maturity and ease in which the dancers carried themselves across the floor. The cast is full of veteran dancers including John Selya (whom I LOVE) and Karine Plantadit (who is crazy but fabulous). The beauty in watching them is not only in their absolute perfection, which is slightly nauseating, but in the development of each movement. Their bodies are in complete and utter control of every step, turn, jump and lean. Their muscles work like finely tuned instruments. Their package is of sheer brilliance! And I want to be them!


In the beauty of story telling and performance you have to look no further than Charlie Neshyba-Hodges and Laura Mead. They are pint size energetic powerhouses who not only are the best actors but the cutest damn onstage couple! But I must also give a shout out to Miss. Heather Hamilton. I have never met Heather before, only danced with her at a ton of auditions in the city. I recognized her face but then instantly remembered who she was from her unique and intricate tattoos (they are not that big, I jsut have a very distinct eye for details). Heather was a member of the ensemble who took my breath away. Not only was she incredibly technical and beautiful, she was captivating in her performance and inspiring to me in my 'Get It Together' plan! Not only did I think she was the most interesting to watch in the ensemble, but she was better than some of the leading women. Confident, strong and graceful only begin to describe this fabulous dancer who left me in awe!


So... Thank you Twyla for this show. Thank you for these dancers. Thank you for the music.  Thank you for your talent.  Thank you for reminding me why I am a dancer.  It's game time!

Suck Day!

This is totally against what I gave up for lent, which was to not have any negative/destructive thoughts about myself, but today- I really SUCKED. I'd rather be a sinner than a liar, let's face it, I'm not a very good catholic...but the party in Hell will be huge! Anyways, back on topic! I took a dance class that I have not been to in about a year, and I just plain sucked! Normally I would blame it on the combo (which was slightly awkward), but that does not excuse the fact that I sucked.


When I was in school and taking 3-5 dance classes a day, you couldn't pay me to miss a class. I think I skipped two in 3 years and had extreme guilt the whole time. I was at all of my classes, and often took ones I wasn't even registered for! I was on time, dressed (sometimes sloppily) and ready to go. I'm not a saint, I of course had off days, or bad mental days, but I was still there and pushed through my issues. Now, I live in NYC, a Mecca for dance and theatre and I chose to not go to a class more often than not. But to top it off, when I'm in class I have a hard time being present. I either am busy thinking about the other things I need to be doing, or I'm beating myself up for everything under the sun. And I seriously mean everything: my pale face, my chubby legs, my bruised arms, my boxy body, my poorly styled hair, my lack of focus, my bad attitude, my ugly shirt, the camel toe my shorts are giving me, my horrible balance, my ripping feet.

My sense of perfection has not changed. I always expect the best from myself, but it's at such an extreme that I've lost my ability to breathe! I get so nervous that I'm going to suck and fail that I'm having a hard time enjoying what I'm doing. I don't have a problem being challenged or stepping out of my comfort zone, but I just don't want to suck! I am aware that this feeling of struggle and inadequacy is bound to happen from time to time, so I should stop bitching, but lately I can't help but let it get to me. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, and not in any one direction, just around in circles that will eventually get swallowed by a black hole.


When you’re 'to do' list is a mile long, where do you start? I've never been afraid of success, I thrive on it, and I live for it! I love being good at things whether it's dancing, cooking, writing or drinking- I want to to be the best! I love the sense of accomplishment and elation that you get from a job well done.


What I don't like, is failing. I've always put a huge amount of pressure on myself to do well. As much as this pressure is for me, I strive for greatness because I want those who are important to me to be proud of me. I want my dad to know his money for lessons, costumes, school and trips went to good use. I want my mom to know that her hours spent driving to competitions, rhinestoning costumes and selling flowers were all appreciated. I want my brothers to know that their support at every competition and recital was important to me, even if they spent the whole time playing football in a back hall. And most of all I'd hate to think that the hours/days/weeks that my sister and I have spent fighting about everything to do and not to do with dance, resulting on permanent scars were pointless! I want to feel like I've done something with myself and accomplished something to show my friends that I can do more than bitch and drink!


The forces of 'failure avoidance' used to lead me to dance classes every day, hours at the gym and early nights in bed. These were my ways of preparing and gearing up to a point of mental and physical wellness. Now, after a few years of 'NO's' and 'SORRY's' and 'TRY AGAIN's' I'm left at a standstill. All the hard work and time that I put in have resulted in nothing real or substantial. So now I travel down the path of least resistance. Not wanting to suck and fail have led me to a place where I don't even put myself out there. Now I surround myself with wonderful and supportive people, but I hermit myself from rejection and negativity. I swap dance classes for movies. I'd rather sit in a dark room where no one can see me sprawl my legs and down a Diet Dr. Pepper than wear skin tight clothes in bad lighting while standing next to girls who are the size of my thigh. I swap hours at the gym for hours at work. At least at the end of a day at work I can feel some sort of accomplishment with the money I have in my hands as opposed to those 1000 sit-ups I could be doing that haven’t made a bit of difference to my mid-section. And if you didn't already guess it, I swap those early bedtimes with DVR and bottles of wine.


These things I have control over: the movies, the working, the wine. I can't control anything else, or at least it doesn't seem like it! I finally can understand why people get fat: they can't tap into feelings of control or accomplishment with anything other than food! I’m not at this place just yet, thankfully my diet is better now than ever- but mama still loves her chocolate and Tasti-D!


So what's one to do? How do I get myself out of this rut? How do I make myself better and more useful for my benefit and those around me?  Where do I start? What should be the first thing on my list to cross off?


How about: Don't Suck Today? (Maybe tomorrow!)

Snow in the City

I don't need Web MD to diagnose myself; it's pretty clear what I have: Seasonal Depression! I don't know why it comes as a surprise, because I go through it every year and obviously at the same time! The fabulous NYC has seen close to 18 inches of snow in the last few days which means blocked cars, lakes at every street corner and even more reason to want to stay inside until spring. It's freaking February, I'm so over being cold and kept up inside, yet it is always the same!

November: This is when it all starts. This is when it gets cold outside, the jackets come out of the closet and the sniffles start. Before you know it there are a couple of extra pounds around your hips from the treats and bebidas that you have started to nosh on, but you decide to brush it off and be semi-optimistic about all the fun that's ahead of you!

December: It hits like a ton of bricks. You are working hard, adding extra hours to your schedule to pay for all the gifts you plan on giving and all playing you plan on doing! A few more treats, a few more drinks, you buy a few more pairs of leggings (because those jeans are now a little too snug) and you are embracing the season of fun, friends and family. Though the bank account starts to fizzle away, there's that reminder of the Baby Jesus (if you are a better Christian than I) and the materialistic fact that you might end the month with a few cute things!


January: The New Year has most likely been started hung-over. As uncomfortably and shitty you feel you may have been lucky enough to have dropped a few pounds from the projectile vomiting that happened the night before. This new month means a new year with new resolutions, goals and plans. But it's still cold, and you still have no money, and you are tired, and you are getting sick (your liver's little game of revenge). All the color that you might have had is now GONE, the cellulite you fought hard against over the summer is more prominent. Oh, and don't forget about those goals and plans that you made all of three days ago...it's funny how quickly they turned into overwhelming and frustrating reminders of your lack of motivation and depleted funds! Every movie has suddenly turned into a depressing analogy of your life, every dismal moment is somehow an example of your lack of a future and every bill from the gym is a reminder that you are a big fat failure. Excuses flow out of you like water at Niagara Falls and those bottles of wine you had left over from your holiday parties are now empty!


Every year it's like clockwork. It starts off slow and with warning and it leaves slow and with all your money and positivity. I wouldn't consider moving back to Miami for any reason other than avoiding this horrible feeling that takes control of your mind and body for 4 months time. I'm an NYC girl, where else could you find a man cross country skiing down Broadway and women wearing I Love NY ponchos over their quarter of a million dollar furs! So I propose we move the island of Manhattan to the Caribbean! Who's with me? Just think how nice this city would look with year round sandals! Put a beach in Central Park and I'm good to go!

Light for Haiti!

I apologize for being M.I.A. as of recent, but this girl has been busy! I want to share with you the project that I have been working on and how proud I am of it. One of my favorite people, the amazingly wonderful, talented and giving Terra Mackintosh is one of the producers for an NYC artists based benefit for Haiti. It's been over a month since the earthquake, but the people are still in need; the road to recovery is never easy.  The proceeds of this event will go towards the GHESKIO MEDICAL CENTER in Port Au Prince.



February 28th at the Canal Room will be the night that emerging and established artists of NYC come together to light up the concrete jungle with messages of hope and faith for the people of Haiti. The evening will be hosted by David Alan Grier and Richard Thomas from Broadway's RACE, and will be filled with performers big and small who wish they had the means to donate money to the cause, but since we are poor, we are donating our talent instead!  Additional performances will be by Michael Lanning (song), Eddie Brill (comedy), Scott Allan (music), Chris Critelli (poetry), BlackGold (dance) and many more including the choreography of Ashley Becker (yep, that's me!).


I have had the pleasure of choreographing a piece to 'Bloodline' by Matt Morris. You may not know who he is, but you should. He is a phenomenal talent who sang along side Justin Timberlake for the Hope for Haiti Broadcast. My piece features former Point Park University Dance Alumni including Julia Richter, Ashley Peter, Sheena DiMatteo and Steph Mos.  It has been a pleasure to work with dedicated, giving and talented performers for such an important cause.


To make it short and to the point: this is going to be a wonderful night full of talent and entertainment. The beauty of the evening is not in the vanity of performing, but in the unity of NYC artists big and small and their sense of obligation as artists and human beings to do what’s right. We all know what it's like to be knocked down, well now is our time to put our strength, hope, faith and love together to help out our fellow man!


Get tickets for $40 before the show ($50 at door) go to http://www.canalroom.com/

Check out talent, crew, production team and information on how to donate at http://www.lightforhaiti.net/

Who doesn't like publicity?
Broadway World Article
Playbill.com
Theatre Mania Online

Try Again!

You might have forgotten due to my lack of entries on this subject, but I am still a dancer in NYC, who wants nothing more than to be a happy successful performer. That's why I bitch so much about my job it's not what I want to be doing! The last audition I went on was in November, until about a week ago when I attended the ever famous So You Think You Can Dance auditions. Well, I survived, which is not the same as actually having gotten through as far as I would have liked.



Originally I would have bitched about how I was wronged, but now that some time has passed, getting cut has made me even more determined to find the right kind of success for me. SYTYCD is not for every dancer. It's become a cookie cutter outlet for young, talented and immature competition dancers. Yes, that sounds like a lot of distain and judgment, but it comes from a place of admiration. The show offers the opportunity to work with some of the biggest and brightest in the industry, yet all that the show seems to want are 18 year old competition tricksters. I am not 18, and I am definitely not a trickster.  I think I have solid technique and a mature style of movement, but for whatever reason it's not the fit for the show.

Getting cut from something like this can make you feel a whole slew of emotions; envy, jealousy, frustration, guilt and the overwhelming feeling of failure. Everyone wants to be the success story, the rags to riches tale, the person who grows and changes in a few short weeks with the help of their idols. Obviously only 20 people get to this point, and I never thought it realistic that I would be one of those few, I just hoped that I would be given a fair chance to show my talent, skills and passion. Instead I was given the Elton John classic "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" and "All by Myself" to improv to. Needless to say, my quirky classical inspired contemporary choreography did not shine through when all I could see was Simba running through my head (the song was from The Lion King), and lyrics coming across a karaoke screen (This Bridget Jones' Diary song is one of my favorite songs to sing, not dance to).

I’ve studied and trained for years to be the dancer I am, and then sat outside at 5:30 am, in January, in NYC, in the rain to be given two horrible songs to showcase my style and technique to. I was just slightly pissed! But at the end of the day, as great of an opportunity as it would have been, it was an audition. I’ve been cut before, and I will be cut again; it's the nature of the business. The true test is do you let it get you down, or do you 'dust yourself off and try again?'

(I won't lie, I drank, then ate, then cried before I came to the point of 'trying again' but at least I decided to get back on the horse instead of letting the assholes get me down!)

I'd Rather Be Single

If you are single and live in NYC you understand the difficulties of dating. One would think that with the millions of men living on this island dating (and sex for that matter) would be available in mass quantities for mildly pretty girls with good personalities. I can attest that it is never simple, and even when you find someone that seems like a potential date or even a fling, there is always a catch! If it wasn't bad enough, I heard the following story, which I warn you now to not read if you have a queasy stomach. So now my list of questions has grown, and so has my Creepo-Radar!




A friend of my co-worker lived in Texas and was out for a bachelorette party doing the whole sloppy bar hopping thing when she met this incredibly attractive guy. He was tall, blonde hair, light blue eyes, amazing build and an adorable smile. They spent a good part of the night making out, and all she wanted to do was go home with him! Each time the girls were leaving to go to another bar he offered to take her back to his place. As much as she wanted to she thought it would be best if she hung out with the party for a little longer. At the end of the night, he said he was ready to go home and asked her to join him. She was just about to get in his car when the bride-to-be came up to her and begged her to not ditch them (like she had the tendency of doing) and join the party back at her place to finish up girls night. Not wanting to disappoint her friend she went home with the girls but made sure to exchange numbers with the hot hot man.


The next morning she woke up with a horrible itch and rash all around her mouth and neck. She rushed to the emergency room asking for an antibiotic and was quickly met by government medical officials. After having done testing on the irritation they had asked her about what types of things she had been in contact with because she had bacteria on her face that was common in deceased persons. The only thing she could come up with was the guy she met the night before. Officials contacted him and when they showed up to his home found... wait for it, get your nausea in check... 12 dead bodies. He had been eating, cooking and having sex with these bodies. He informed the gentlemen that the victims had all been women he picked up in bars, and if she had gone home with him the night before she would have been next!


No, this was not an episode of Dexter, this actually happened to someone. No the details have not become foggy, this is the story. If dating wasn't bad enough before, this will have you thinking twice before running off with the hottie at the bar. So now my list of upfront questioning is as follows:


* Are you single?
* Are you gay?
* Are you divorced?
* Do you have children?
* Do you have a job?
* Do you live with your mother?
* How many people have you slept with?
* Have any of those people been dead at the time?
* If so, did you kill them?
* If you do like to kill your dates, do you plan on eating me too?


What is this world coming to? On that note...I need a date for February... Hot Psychos Need Not Apply!