I Don't Wanna, and You Can't Make Me!

I have one thing 'academically' speaking, left to do in Miami and I just don't want to do it. Part of the deal that I made to myself was to get my shit together and start making changes in my career, because what's the point in going on the same way I’ve been for the last three years, and have no results!

But I just can't sit down and write a decent letter explaining to performing agencies why they need to sign me. I should be doing it right now, but I'm watching The West Wing and writing this blog instead. How do you convince someone that you are special and worth representing, when you don't believe it yourself? Ok, that's pessimistic. I am special, I'm a dedicated and talented performer, incredibly well versed in many dance techniques, and most definitely the hardest worker these people will ever come across. I am a quick study, I take direction well, I don't sass back (I have a blog to do that now) and I'm passionate! I put 100% into all that I do, yet somewhere down the line I started to think I just wasn't good enough.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely good enough to be one of the best in the audition room and make it to the final cuts, just not good enough to actually get the job. I'm good enough to work with reputable choreographers and directors for free, just not good enough to cast when the production is fully funded. I'm good enough to offer teaching, directing and choreographing jobs to, but not good enough to actually collect on those offers.

As performers we go through A LOT of shit. Every day we get up early, curl our hair, slather on so much make-up we could be borer-line drag queens, squeeze our bodies into tights and spandex, only to be told we are too tall, to fat, too white, too young and basically not good enough. You go in as a character; they ask you to be more yourself. You go in being confident and comfortable as you, and you are just not what they are looking for. It's a hard thing to accept at the beginning, but it's the nature of the biz. What happens though when you're not a newbie anymore? Do you keep telling yourself that it's just a matter of time? Or do you stop, take a look at yourself in the mirror and admit defeat?

I sit on my couch writing this, basically putting myself near tears. I remember all these feelings, so much so that I'm starting to question my recent decisions. The difference now though is that I TRUST myself. I trust myself enough to know I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't just as capable as all the people that have the jobs I want. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't have the strength and courage to put myself out there every day. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't know that I deserve this!

My name is Ashley Becker. I am a dancer. I can do this. I will do this. So either help me out, or watch out and get out of my way.

(my pouty face compliments of clipartof.com)